Some mom decided to facebook shame her kid and it made the news. It seems to be pretty comparable though less dramatic than the dad who shot his daughters laptop with a .45.
Am I the only one who thinks these parents are doing something terribly stupid albeit probably well intentioned?
Somewhere along my meandering life I heard a phrase "praise in public and admonish in private." In my brief experiences leading men and a lifetime of having all manner of relationships I can say this is just really great advice. (I am not saying parenthood and leading soldiers are the same thing but some elements are similar) The one time I have really chastised (vs a normal correction) a soldier in public I regretted it. I realized later that I let my emotions get the better of me.
Now this is not to say I do not believe in correcting children. Quite the opposite in fact. The thing is that whenever possible I believe in doing it in private. If that Dad had done the exact same thing giving the speach and shooting her laptop with is wife and daughter in their yard I would think it was reasonably acceptable.
There are multiple issues in play. Kids are stupid. My toddler Walker who should probably be named Curious George or Attilla the Hun is a little terror. At some point closer to 2 than fifteen kids become capable of some level of self control and awareness. A 15 year old might make stupid decisions but they typically know those decisions are at least somewhat stupid. The phrase sinking to their level comes to mind.
I really do not think it is impressive to outwit or mock your teenager. Again they are stupid. Being mature and not sinking to their level is part of a parent's job. I think it is important that even if you have to punish them they can see that you are actually on their side. To varying degrees kids will rebel or be little jerks or otherwise test boundaries. These days some or all of this will involve multi media. I believe they should be held accountable for their actions but in the right way.
For the sake of full disclosure I have a child but not a teenager.
Am I completely off base on this?
Am I the only one who thinks these parents are doing something terribly stupid albeit probably well intentioned?
Somewhere along my meandering life I heard a phrase "praise in public and admonish in private." In my brief experiences leading men and a lifetime of having all manner of relationships I can say this is just really great advice. (I am not saying parenthood and leading soldiers are the same thing but some elements are similar) The one time I have really chastised (vs a normal correction) a soldier in public I regretted it. I realized later that I let my emotions get the better of me.
Now this is not to say I do not believe in correcting children. Quite the opposite in fact. The thing is that whenever possible I believe in doing it in private. If that Dad had done the exact same thing giving the speach and shooting her laptop with is wife and daughter in their yard I would think it was reasonably acceptable.
There are multiple issues in play. Kids are stupid. My toddler Walker who should probably be named Curious George or Attilla the Hun is a little terror. At some point closer to 2 than fifteen kids become capable of some level of self control and awareness. A 15 year old might make stupid decisions but they typically know those decisions are at least somewhat stupid. The phrase sinking to their level comes to mind.
I really do not think it is impressive to outwit or mock your teenager. Again they are stupid. Being mature and not sinking to their level is part of a parent's job. I think it is important that even if you have to punish them they can see that you are actually on their side. To varying degrees kids will rebel or be little jerks or otherwise test boundaries. These days some or all of this will involve multi media. I believe they should be held accountable for their actions but in the right way.
For the sake of full disclosure I have a child but not a teenager.
Am I completely off base on this?
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7 comments:
I don't think you're wrong about that. A lot of people have praised this dad but I tend it see it more your way. Being rebellious and distancing yourself from your family is a part of self identification that occurs in the late teen years. It's actually a sign that your emotional/psychological maturation is on schedule.
I also suspect that it's likely this dad will end up shelling out money to purchase another laptop for her in the near future. When she begins creeping up on 21 and she's still living at home or she's returning from college without a degree that will earn a living she'll "need" a laptop to help search for a job. So who is this guy really punishing?
I also suspect that it's likely this dad will end up shelling out money to purchase another laptop for her in the near future. When she begins creeping up on 21 and she's still living at home or she's returning from college without a degree that will earn a living she'll "need" a laptop to help search for a job. So who is this guy really punishing?
As the mum of an 8 y.o. & a 10y.o., I agree with you and I intend trying to relate to them on this principle (praise in public, admonish in private) into their teens ... not sure how it will turn out yet ...
Am I completely off base on this?
You can let us know in 15 years.
A lot of it comes to parenting and a traditional family, if I remember correctly the guy with a .45 was the step dad.
If it comes to shaming or "laying hands upon" you have to choose whatever you think will work best.
It's complicated. The thing here is that we don't know what the parents have done before this. Teenagers are social creatures, public embarrassment is the nuclear option with them. Did the parents try the other stuff first and find it didn't work? No idea.
One of my daughters had the firm belief that family rules didn't apply to her when she hit 15. The usual methods - privileges, grounding, etc., were ineffective. I went 'Uncle Buck' on her: I would pick her up from school wearing a purple bathrobe and pink fuzzy slippers if she continued to misbehave. She believed me and stopped. That was a good thing, since I wasn't bluffing.
Tiny kids need to be admonished as close to the infraction as possible - kind of like puppies, when they step away they no longer really remember what they did wrong. Along this same vein, you cant have an overly long punishment with tiny kids.
I believe once your kids hit the tween and certainly into the teens, you need to take their punishments in house and if you shame them in public, you risk alienating your child and you will have to work like a dog to get them back. This praise thing also works extremely well for your spouse ;) Treat your spouse and your kids like you wish they to be and next thing you know they will be the fabulous people you envisioned. I believe that last statement is a melding of your own perspective changing and a changing of the individual.
Of course, HUGE problems like drugs, sex and stuff, all bets are off....
And I have an 18yo all the way down to little.... So far so good - the 18yo is about to graduate and head to college for a full ride and into the honors program. Beyond proud!
I agree with your basic philosophy. However, I think this dad had an agenda beyond just his daughter. My wife who teaches comes home every day with the same comment that kids are so spoiled and winey that they are ill prepared for life's challenges. the dad here seemed to be addressing this. I am not sure he is right but at least he is trying.
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