I am talking about marital decision making again. Not sure why exactly but it seems like a good topic. I laid out my basic thoughts on the matter in a previous post so no need to rehash them.Today I want to talk about an ugly scenario. The ugly scenario I want to talk about is when one spouse has a significant change of heart about how they want to live their life down the road aways (after getting together, married or whatever). In the context of this blog it typically means becoming a survivalist , wanting to move out to the hinter boonies or whatever but really it could be anything. It doesn't really matter if it is you wanting to build a compound in
rural wherever or the wife wanting to stay home to raise the kids,
somebody wanting to start a business or go back to school or whatever.
The best I can say is that if for whatever reason things change you need to sit down and talk about it.Maybe one of you has changed their mind or new information has came out or whatever. Figure out how to make your new desires work in the current life plan YOU TWO have. Often this is the easiest answer. However if that doesn't work you've got to go back to the drawing board. Once back to said drawing board it is time to figure out something both of you are happy with. When you go back to the drawing board it is important to think outside the box and question all preconceived ideas. The right balance of what both of you want which makes everybody fairly happy might be something neither of you thought of.
The thing about compromise is that it means you do not usually get exactly what you want. If it makes you feel any better your spouse isn't getting exactly what they want either. I know this is a hard pill to swallow.
In making any relationship, be it with a family member, friend or spouse, work to some degree you have to subordinate yourself to the group's interest. It could be going to a family gathering you would rather not be at, wearing the sweater grandma gave you, going to the bar a friend likes which you are ambivalent about or whatever. In a marriage or long term relationship the stakes are a lot higher.We are talking about where you will live, what kind of place you will reside in, how you will earn and spend, and other serious lifestyle stuff. It is a lot harder to suck it up and wear the proverbial ugly Christmas sweater for a lifetime than an evening.
I wish I could say you can compromise and it will always work out. Sometimes a spouse may not be down with changing the agreement you two made. If she wants to be the yuppie NYC urban dweller she has always been and you all of a sudden want to be a gun toting cabin dweller in Montana and neither are willing to make substantial accommodations the picture isn't pretty.
Not that it is exactly helpful but my observation is that couples who are otherwise healthy and getting along well can figure out some sort of compromise. Conversely with the couples who can't even have a rational conversation (or series of them) to work towards a compromise seem to invariably have other problems in the background.
We could not talk about this without addressing respect. We don't always agree (and some of my whackier ideas get vetoed) but as a couple we have serious adult discussions about the pro's and con's of all manner of ideas. At least as often as not these discussions lead to some sort of action. The idea that I (or Wifey) could being something to the table and be shortly dismissed is simply not something which would happen.
I think a desire to share a life together are key. Now and again either Wifey or I come up with something we really want to do that is a game changer. (Thankfully I was a crazy survivalist before we got hitched so we agreed on most of the big stuff beforehand.) We don't always see things the same way but stuff that is important to one is important to the other, if just because they are important.
Anyway I hope this gives some ideas.
Also I ran 2 more miles today with kiddo in the jogging stroller leaving 30 miles to go.
The best I can say is that if for whatever reason things change you need to sit down and talk about it.Maybe one of you has changed their mind or new information has came out or whatever. Figure out how to make your new desires work in the current life plan YOU TWO have. Often this is the easiest answer. However if that doesn't work you've got to go back to the drawing board. Once back to said drawing board it is time to figure out something both of you are happy with. When you go back to the drawing board it is important to think outside the box and question all preconceived ideas. The right balance of what both of you want which makes everybody fairly happy might be something neither of you thought of.
The thing about compromise is that it means you do not usually get exactly what you want. If it makes you feel any better your spouse isn't getting exactly what they want either. I know this is a hard pill to swallow.
In making any relationship, be it with a family member, friend or spouse, work to some degree you have to subordinate yourself to the group's interest. It could be going to a family gathering you would rather not be at, wearing the sweater grandma gave you, going to the bar a friend likes which you are ambivalent about or whatever. In a marriage or long term relationship the stakes are a lot higher.We are talking about where you will live, what kind of place you will reside in, how you will earn and spend, and other serious lifestyle stuff. It is a lot harder to suck it up and wear the proverbial ugly Christmas sweater for a lifetime than an evening.
I wish I could say you can compromise and it will always work out. Sometimes a spouse may not be down with changing the agreement you two made. If she wants to be the yuppie NYC urban dweller she has always been and you all of a sudden want to be a gun toting cabin dweller in Montana and neither are willing to make substantial accommodations the picture isn't pretty.
Not that it is exactly helpful but my observation is that couples who are otherwise healthy and getting along well can figure out some sort of compromise. Conversely with the couples who can't even have a rational conversation (or series of them) to work towards a compromise seem to invariably have other problems in the background.
We could not talk about this without addressing respect. We don't always agree (and some of my whackier ideas get vetoed) but as a couple we have serious adult discussions about the pro's and con's of all manner of ideas. At least as often as not these discussions lead to some sort of action. The idea that I (or Wifey) could being something to the table and be shortly dismissed is simply not something which would happen.
I think a desire to share a life together are key. Now and again either Wifey or I come up with something we really want to do that is a game changer. (Thankfully I was a crazy survivalist before we got hitched so we agreed on most of the big stuff beforehand.) We don't always see things the same way but stuff that is important to one is important to the other, if just because they are important.
Anyway I hope this gives some ideas.
Also I ran 2 more miles today with kiddo in the jogging stroller leaving 30 miles to go.
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2 comments:
Remember, it's NOT "what can you LIVE WITH". It's really "what you can't live WITHOUT".
Any praying a lot about making the right decision.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirts. Good luck.
if you're not with the right one, no amount of compromise will make it work. I know this from bitter personal experience, having been battered and smashed up so much over the years. But, if you hang in there, the right one will appear, usually when you have given up and are least expecting it
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